Tom was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game. Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged
After lunching at the Algonquin Hotel, Robert Benchley walked through the lobby, out the front door, and said to the uniformed man on the sidewalk, "My good man, would you please get me a taxi?"
The man immediately took offense and replied indignantly, "I'm not a doorman! I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy."
Robert Benchley instantly quipped: "All right then, get me a battleship."
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week." The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
Johnnie wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened. Johnnie decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president. The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Johnnie a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. When Johnnie received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks took 95%. Love, Johnnie