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In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.
The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. 'Congratulations,' the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. 'You did superbly under cross-examination.'
'Thanks,' he said, 'but he sure had me worried.'
'How's that?' the lawyer asked.
'I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!'
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One day I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Sarasota, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack, and I'm OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered," but I don't think my wife would
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A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'
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Einstein and Banta are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

Einstein says, "Let's play a game. I will ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $ 5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

Einstein asks the first question: What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?

Banta doesn't say a word, reaches his pocket and pulls out a $ 5.

Now, it's Banta's turn. He asks Einstein, "What goes up
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An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, 'I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
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