A doctor warned an ageing telly star, "I think you ought to stop taking sleeping pills every night, they're habit-forming, you know." "Don't be silly," patient said. "I'v been taking them every night now for twenty years and they haven't become a habit yet."
Three doctors went duck hunting and a bird flew overhead.
The general practitioner looked at it and said, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," and he took a shot at it but missed and the bird flew away.
When the next bird came into view, the pathologist looked at it, then through the pages of a bird manual, and said, "Hummmm... white wings, yellow bill, quacking sound... might be a duck," and by the time he raised this gun to shoot, the bird was long gone.
The surgeon raised his gun and shot down a third bird almost without looking, then turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer When the doctor finally came in, the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled, "Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!"
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.
Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life just isn't worth living anymore."
"Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "Let your work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, what do you do for a living?"
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.
"My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."