A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness, "Yes, sir." The lawyer, "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness), "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness, "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
After the opening performance of Arms and the Man in London in 1894, playwright George Bernard Shaw joined the actors on stage to acknowledge a rousing, appreciative ovation.
Amidst the sustained applause, a solitary voice cried out: "Boo! Boo!
Shaw looked in the direction of the voice and said: "I quite agree with you my friend, but what can we two do against a whole houseful of the opposite opinion?"
When God created the world, he could not help boasting to Brahma of the special favours he had bestowed on India. "I gave it the highest mountains and the broadest rivers in the world; I gave it coal, gold and diamond mines. I gave it the best of everything." "Was it fair to give one country so much wealth ?" asked Brahma. "You should see the kind of people I put in India. They will waste everything I gave them."
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead. During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves.
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Then, why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."