A man decided to take his blonde wife deer hunting for the first time.
After he explained the basics to his blonde wife, he told her the most important piece of information, "Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator." he said.
They departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard
Lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeeemer!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Wheres my Rolex?"
A army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then Santa in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Santa, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" Santa replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Santa ?" "Well," answered Santa, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked trainer impatiently. "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Banta asked his wife to get some tea when his friend Santa dropped in uninvited. 'There is no sugar in the house and the shops are closed because of a bandh,' replied Mrs. Banta. 'Not to worry,' replied Banta 'instead of a spoon of sugar, you can give me a kiss.' 'What about Santa? He usually takes two spoonfuls of sugar,' replied Mrs. Banta.
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Paddy was the most intelligent man in Ireland. He was the president of the Irish branch of Mensa and he had won a million pounds on Who wants to be a Millionaire, and was Professor of astrophysics at the Paddy Institute of Technology.
One day, he was in the pub and his mates were telling him that he should appear on Mastermind, the quiz where the most intelligent men on the planet, show their superior brainpower. So he filled in the forms and sure enough was called