A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river". With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Three drunk guys are sitting behind a couple of nuns at a football game (whose habits partially blocked the view).
In an effort to get te nuns to move, the men decided to badger them.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, I heard there are only 100 nuns living there."
The Second Guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns there."
The Third Guy said, "Well, I want to go to Idaho, they say there are only 25 Nuns living there."
At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you all go to hell. You won't find any nuns there."
An atheist was fishing in Scotland one day when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. The boat capsized and the man was tossed skywards.
As he flew through the air towards the monster's open mouth, he screamed, "Oh God, help me!"
Immediately everything was frozen in place. The ferocious attack stopped and the atheist was left suspended in mid-air. A booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break," said the man. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!" Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND
Thief: Oh! The police is here. Quick, jump out of the window. Fellow thief: But this is the 13th floor! Thief: Hurry this is no time for superstitions.