A farmer purchased an old, run-down; abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Low and behold, it's
Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise. He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"
Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin.
Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared.
Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"
When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea.
He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day a daily bread" to "Give us this day a daily chicken."
"I can't possibly do that," said the Pope.
"Not even for 100,000 dollars?" asked the Colonel.
An air force officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of admittance to heaven.
The officer replies, "Yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two Seabees harassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentleman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this Seabee to stand down."
St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act.
The pilot replied, "About 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!"