Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient.
The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of over the last few years. He laughed so hard he defecated in his pants. When he smelled the foul odour he had created, he checked for the source. Finding his trousers full of the stuff, he thought he was leaking. This caused him to go into shock and faint. When he woke up, he found he had fallen on his arm, breaking it."
The first doctor asked, "He went mad because he broke an arm?"
The second medic answered, "No, he went mad because he couldn't figure out how to sue himself!"
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are. Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, I still can t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground. So Harry yells down to the man, Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are? The man on the ground yells back, you re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air. George turns to Harry and says, that man is a lawyer. How can you tell? inquires Harry. George answers, Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." "Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" "From my nose," the drunk replied.