In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light.
She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.
"You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness, "Yes, sir." The lawyer, "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness), "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness, "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. "Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Lawyers in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Lawyers." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Lawyer. "Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving children in Africa". "Oh