All jokes on the interplay of doctors and patients.


Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.
"Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf."
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Alarmed by the prolonged discussions of his case by a group of doctors by his bedside, a patient said, "There must be something terribly wrong with me."

"Why do you say that?" asked the doctor.

"All the other doctors seem to disagree with your diagnosis."

"Don't you worry." consoled the doctor. "In a similar case sometime back I stood firm on my diagnosis and the postmortem proved me right!"
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I ve got a trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under, you got to help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
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Early one morning, John, who works at the local funeral parlour, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
They rushed to the emergency room, at the local hospital, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
John told his wife not to call in sick for him until they knew what was wrong.
When the results came back, the nurse informed them that, true to their suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
John's wife turned to John and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral parlour now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"
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Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?" the first doctor asked.
"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him and then that stupid letter arrived!"
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There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war".

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
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