George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter. The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
Leaving Montreal, a man decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
He goes into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so he entered into the second stall. He had just sat down when he hear a voice from the other stall.
"Hi there, how is it going?"
He didn't know what to say, so finally he said, "Not bad."
Then the voice says, "So, what are you doing?"
He find this a bit weird, but said, "Well, I'm going back east."
Then he hear the person, all flustered, say, "Look, I'll call you back; every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"
In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the Nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
A lady went skiing and halfway down the hill had to go to the bathroom. No facilities nearby, she found a sheltered area, dropped her pants and proceeded to relieve herself. Suddenly she found herself beginning to slide backwards, out into the open and down the slope with her pants around her knees. She crashed and broke her leg. The paramedics rushed her to the local hospital. The doctor walked into her room. Laughing hysterically, he said, "You're not going to believe this, but the guy in the next room claims he fell off the ski lift and broke his leg because he saw a naked lady skiing backwards down the mountain!" As he began to compose himself, he asked, "So, how did you break YOUR leg??"