Bill wasn't a very good golfer, but he sure dressed like one. He had a wicked slice that prevented him from ever reaching the green in two strokes, but on the day of the company golf tournament, no one could deny that he looked pretty sharp on the tee. That day, as usual, Bill sent his first drive deep into the woods.
"You'll never hit it out of there," his friends insisted.
"As God is my witness, I'm gonna make the green in two if it kills me," Bill replied
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so
Mulla Nasruddin was walking in the bazaar with a large group of followers. Whatever Nasruddin did, his followers immediately copied. Every few steps Nasruddin would stop and shake his hands in the air, touch his feet and jump up yelling "Hu Hu Hu!". So his followers would also stop and do exactly the same thing.
One of the merchants, who knew Nasreddin, quietly asked him: "What are you doing my old friend? Why are these people imitating you?"
"I have become a Sufi Sheikh," replied Nasreddin. "These are my Murids (spiritual seekers), I am helping them reach enlightenment!"
"How do you know when they reach enlightenment?"
"That's the easy part! Every morning I count them. The ones who have left - have reached enlightenment!"
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Andrew doesn't appreciate what I do for him!" "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen chicken and he yelled at me about the price." "Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those chickens are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the chicken, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."
Sali: Jija ji Kahin Aap Is Mauke Ka Phayda Utha Ke Mere Saath Zabardasti Toh Nahin Karoge Na?
Jija: Dikhta Nahi Ki Mere Ek Haath Mein Bakri Aur Danda Hai, Aur Doosre Haath Mein Murga, Rassi Aur balti Hai. Main Kaise Kuch Kar Sakta Hoon.
Sali: Kyon Nahi Kar Sakte, Agar Aap Danda Gaad Ke Rassi Say Bakri Ko Baandh Do Aur Balti Ko Ulta Karke Murge Ke Upar Rakh Do Toh Aap Sab Kuch Kar Sakte Ho, Mujhe Toh Sach Mein Aapse Bahut Darr Lag Raha Hhai.........
A mother-in-law explaining work to her newly wed Daughter-in-law.
"I am Home Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house, yur Father-in-law is the Foriegn Minister, my Son, I mean your husband runs the Ministry of Demand and Supply, and, my daughter runs Planning & Developement Ministry. Now you tell me which Ministry would you like to run?"
Daughter-in-law instantly replied with a smile, "Dear mother-in-law, I'll be the leader of OPPOSITION..."