One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The friend figures he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She let him in and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces
In Court the Judge says to a double-homicide defendant.
"You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your Mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes but no more outbursts from you or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm Sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won ten million. The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man Rs one thousand. The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on liquor or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Mom." "Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?" "Yep," said the old man fingering the thousand rupees, "... and a cheap one, too."
A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
Santa and Banta say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.
Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was...I need to know how high it is!
Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon ? Pupil: The moon. Teacher: Why ? Pupil: The moon gives us light when we need it, but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don t need it.