Santa was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Banta, the host, preceded every request to his wife, Preeto, by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Santa looked at Banta and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Banta hung his head and whispered, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
A retired man, who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals, went to one local hospital in Hopwell and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
An Indian farmer walking through his field notices a foreigner drinking water from a pond, with his hand.
The Farmer shouts, "Woh paani mat peena. Usmein gayein, bhains or suwar nahate hain, potty karte hain, sussu karte hain! (which means, Don't drink that water, the cows, the buffaloes and the pigs shit and pee in it!)"
The man shouts back, "I'm a foreigner, I don't understand your bloody gibberish. Speak English, you bloody Indian idiot!"
The farmer shouts back in English, "Use two hands dude, you can drink more!"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go.
When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament.
The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason