Nasruddin had a leaky ferry-boat, and used it to row people across the river. One day his passenger was a fussy schoolteacher, and on the way across he decided to give Nasruddin a test and see how much he knew.
"Tell me, Nasruddin, what are eight sixes?"
"I've no idea"
"How do you spell magnificence?"
"I don't"
"Didn't you study anything at school?"
"No."
"In that case, half your life is lost."
Just then a fierce storm blew up, and the boat began to sink.
"Tell me, schoolteacher," said Nasruddin. "Did you ever learn to swim?"
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
A good man passed away and went to heaven. He was greeted by St. Peter, who congratulated him and said he could have anything he wished.
The fellow requested something to eat and a telescope so that he could look around.
While eating the sandwich provided to him, he peered through the telescope down at the folks in hell and saw that they were feasting on prawns, chicken tikkas, mutton chops, karahi paneer and desserts.
"How come people down there are eating gourmet food?" He asked St. Peter. "I earned a place in heaven, but you gave me only a sandwich!"
"Well," replied St. Peter apologetically, "it doesn't pay to cook for just two."
Joe was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him. Joe began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when Joe was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. Joe said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."