A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind." Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?" She retorts, "I'd like a divorce." He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"
A tea party in honour of freedom fighters was in progress at Giani Zail Singhs house. Two other former Presidents, Neelam Sanjiva Reddy and R. Venkataraman were also present. Suddenly a group of terrorists took over the party. They lined up all the three former Presidents for execution. As the firing squad got ready, Sanjiva Reddy yelled, "Earthquake!" and escaped in a commotion that followed. The executioners got ready again, and as they took aim, Venkataraman shouted, "Flood!" and he too escaped in the confusion. As the firing squad lined for the third time, Zail Singh decided to try the same idea and yelled, "Fire !!!!!"
Jill calls her friend Linda, Linda picks up the phone. Jill : "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?" Linda : "Why?" Jill : "I need to study cosmetics" Linda : "Why?" Jill : "Well, my English teacher says,' I have a make-up exam on Monday
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. Banta ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you Rs 500." Banta dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, Banta said, "Okay, where's my Five hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." Banta reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"