A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.
So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special.
"Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar
"If I sold my house, my car and had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked the children in a school class. "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" Robert asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" "Well," Robert continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis. They spotted our Santa leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to Santa and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem.
One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?"
Santa replies, "Well boys, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!"
Santa was coming home after a latenight boozing. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out. As he neared his house, he took out his key to open the lock but he could not manage to put the key into the hole. After trying this repeatedly, he was tired. A neighbor who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, "Give me the key I will open it for you." Santa looked for a while and said to him, "The lock will be opened by me but do me a favor, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum."
Santa visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and Santa realizes that he absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."