There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived
A pastor at a frontier church ended a stirring sermon with, "All those who want to go to heaven, put up your hands!" Everybody enthusiastically raised their hands ... everybody except a grizzled old cowboy who had been slouching against the doorpost at the back of the room. All heads turned as he sauntered up to the front, spurs jangling and said, "Preacher, that was too easy. How do you know if these folks are serious? I can guarantee to prove who really means it and who don't!" Bemused and not a little frightenened the preacher said, "Ok, my friend, go ahead and put the faith of these good people to the test. Ask them anything you want." At that the cowboy pulled his pistol, turned to the audience and said, "Alright ... who wants to go heaven ... raise your hands!"
A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God "God? You there, God?" he asked. "Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered. "Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked. "Go ahead, my son, anything." "God, what is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years to me is only a second." The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny." The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "Sure, give me a second."