A drunk was hauled into court. "Mister," the judge began, "You ve been brought here for drinking." "Great," the drunk exclaimed." When do we get started?"
The poor man was such a habitual drinker that even he was finally convinced that he was an alcoholic. At his family's urging he went to see a psychiatrist. After a lengthy consultation, the doctor sternly ordered that hereafter, every time the patient got drunk he was to report his transgression the very next day.
A few days later the patient staggered into the psychiatrist's office.
"I wanna report that I wash drunk last night," he mumbled.
"For heaven's sake, man, you're drunk right now! "cried the doctor.
"Yeah I know," said the patient, "but I'm gonna report this tomorrow...."
Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"