A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies, No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either.
Leaving the pub after drinking heavily, this fellow got into his car and decided that the best thing for him to do would be to follow the rear lights of another car that was just pulling out.
Everything was fine for about three miles when the lights of the car in front went out and the drunk driver smashed into the back of it.
Hey, what do you think youre doing turning your lights off? Its pitch black, shouted the drunk driver.
What the hell do you expect me to do? came the answer. Im in my own garage.
Bobby walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hmm?"
Bobby says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Bobby comes back into the bar and says, "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The young man was on his first date with the gorgeous young woman and decided to impress her with his abilities in wine tasting.
He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district vineyard.
Upon tasting the wine, the young man scolded the wine steward, "This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N. Coast vineyards near Calistoga, please bring me what I ordered."