Since today is 31st December, these some Self-Care Tips for drunkards will be useful....
1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet. Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet). Cure: Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward.
2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights. Cause: You're lying on the floor. Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.
Two smart fellows were in a pub. They called the pubs owner over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There be two pints in a quart", confirmed the owner. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the fellows called out to the owner at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
Late one Friday night the policemen spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?", asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
A man was seen walking in a drunkard manner, with anger written large on his face, wearing a pair of somewhat tight shoes. A Haryanavi passerby who happened to go that way, stopped and asked the man, "From where did you buy such tight shoes?" "Aey Mister, you had better mind your own business. I ve plucked them from a tree! But I wonder what's that to do with you." "Absolutely nothing. But friend, you made some haste. If you had plucked them two or three months hence they would have definitely fitted your feet well," said the Haryanavi mockingly.