This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you
A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets. After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace. After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast
A lion woke up one morning with the urge to inflict his superiority on his fellow beasts. So he strode over to a monkey and roared: "Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?"
"You are, Master," said the monkey, quivering.
Then the lion came across a warthog.
"Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
"You are, Master," said the warthog, shaking with fear.
Next the lion met an elephant.
"Who is the mightiest animal in the jungle?" roared the lion.
The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, dropped him like a stone and ambled off.
"All right," shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer."
An angry bartender was closing up for the night when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the door, didn't see anybody, and was about to close the door when a voice called, "Hey, down here."
The bartender looked down and saw a snail.
"Hey," the snail asked, "How about a drink?"
The angry bartender snarled, "First of all, we're closed. Secondly, we don't serve snails."
And with that, the bartender kicked the snail all the way across the street.
A month later, the same angry bartender was closing up for the night when there was a knock at the door. He opened the door, and there was the same snail from last month.
"You know," the snail said, "you didn't have to kick me."
A man gets on a plane with his dog. "You can't bring a dog on this plane", says the stewardess! "But this dog is special," says the passenger, "he's a sniffer dog." "Prove it", says the stewardess. The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane. After a minute, the dog reappears, jumps on his lap, and licks his left cheek. "What's that mean?" says the stewardess. "It means there's drugs on board." says the man. "What else can
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"