A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.
He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.
It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place.
The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.
Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"
The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"
Recently I answered the phone and it was a sales person from a long distance company. They asked for my late father by name. "I'm sorry," I answered, "but he's dead." Their reply, "May I leave a number in case the situation changes?"
This story is set during the early part of this century, when steam trains were still commonplace. Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They'd never been on a train before, and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey. The men bought their tickets and got on the train. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had