Santa applied for a loan of Rs 10,00,000. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What have you got for collateral?" "What's collateral?" "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicle?" "Yes, a Tata Sumo." The banker shook his head, "Any fixed assets, like land, house, building or...?" "Yes, I have five acres of land, and a small farm house." Finally, the banker decided to make the loan.
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice...
"Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know its the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart
A woman goes to the doctor, and shes beaten black and blue.
Doctor: What happened?
Woman, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my boyfriend comes home drunk he knocks lumps out of me."
Doctor, "I think I might have a cure for that. When your boyfriend comes home drunk, just take a mug of tea and start swishing it around in your mouth but don't swallow it. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to his bed."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor no sign of bruising whatsoever.
Woman, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my boyfriend came home drunk, I swished with the tea. I just swished and swished, like washing machine and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor, "See how much keeping your fuckin mouth shut helps?"