"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor. "Has she started to neglect you?" "Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache." "So what's the problem?" "Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers... 'Die! you son of a bitch, Die!!'
A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 5-6 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.
He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.
The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."
The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine, said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the lord."
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "There is no Lord."
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, "Praise the Lord, who gave me this food."
The neighbor screamed, "It wasn't the Lord, it was me."
The lady replied, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!"
1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate. 2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life