Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.
When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.
One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"
Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"
Santa mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Santa so he asks him, "What's wrong with you?" The reply is, "I got this in the war." Santa finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats. The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he took her long. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies, then threw his down in one gulp. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"
During a publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune-teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"