A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."
A young fellow became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
A guy walks into a bar with his girlfriend. A very drunk man in the bar looks at the girl and says loudly, "If you were my woman, I would lick you from top to bottom like a lollipop." The boyfriend is angered and starts to get up to kick the drunken guy's ass. The girlfriend stops him, telling him she does not want a scene. The drunken man then walks over to her and tries to give her a big sloppy kiss. The boyfriend pulls him off and is about to beat him to a pulp
Banta wanted to determine if both his wife, Preeto and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife, Preeto, returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," Preeeto reported. Disheartened Banta then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife Preeto. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. "How so?" encouraged Banta asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side."