Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular to his grandson.
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Grandson, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, stupid."
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Naval Air Station skipping recruit training. The very first day at Air station he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
As a restaurant owner, I hired a pianist and a harpist to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the pianist had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested her.
Desperate for another pianist, I called a friend who knew some musicians.
"What happened to the pianist you had?" he asked me.
"I had her arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.
A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did she play?"
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.
One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question.
So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What is five plus five?" The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said, "Eleven."