By the time the morning service was to begin, only one man was in the church. The priest said to him, "It looks like everyone has slept in. Do you want to go home or should I preach the sermon?" The man replied, "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I still feed it." The priest took that as a yes, mounted the pulpit and delivered an hour-long sermon. At the end, he asked the man what he thought. His answer: "When I go to feed the chickens and only one comes, I don't give it the whole bucket!"
A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also.
The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol.
One day his friend told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk.
With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said, "What, and give up all that free whiskey?"
"Hurry!" the doctor commanded his teenage daughter, "Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car. That was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately." "Papa, that call was not for you but for me," replied the girl saucily.