Banta, a construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." Banta leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a bat, CRACK, CRACK, CRACK...,and then sends him into the bathroom. Banta comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
There are four engineers traveling in a car. One is a mechanical engineer, one a chemical engineer, one an electrical engineer and the other one an engineer from Microsoft.
The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again," says the mechanical engineer.
"Well," says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be a grounding problem," says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the Microsoft engineer who has said nothing and say.
They ask him, "What do you think?"
"Well, I think we should close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open the windows again."
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window. The pilot's sign said, "Where am I?" in large letters. The people in the
"Mr. Jacobs," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit." "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked. "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from." "Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me." "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have." "I know," Jacobs said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?" "Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said, "Johnnie". "Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?" "Johnnie", she said. "Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?" "Johnnie", she said. "Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?" "Johnnie", she said. "Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn't that terribly complicated?" "Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Johnnie, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed." "I see. But what if you want only one of them?" "No problem." she answers. Then I call them by their surnames."