At the hospital, there was a man laying in the emergency room, the doctor opened the door and walked toward the man. Man said, 'Will I be ok, Doctor?" The doctor turned to him and said, "Well there is good and bad news." "Tell me the bad news", said the man. "Well," said the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to cut both your legs off." "Oh my god," said the man, "What the hell is the good news?" "The good news is," said the doctor, "see that man over there, he wants to buy your shoes."
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."