Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course ten degrees south. The response was prompt, "Change your course ten degrees north." "I am a captain," he responded testily. "Change your course ten degrees south." The reply, "I'm a seaman first class--change your course north." The captain was furious, "Change your course now.I'm on a battleship." "Change your course ten degrees north, sir--I'm in a lighthouse!"
When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Time answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Alfred Hitchcock's 1944 film "Lifeboat," a drama about eight survivors of a freighter sunk by a German U-Boat, was one of the most popular films of the year (it was also nominated for three Academy Awards).
While posing for publicity photographs for the film, actress Mary Anderson approached the director and asked, "What is my best side, Mr. Hitchcock?"
His reply was soon being circulated all around Hollywood: "My dear, you're sitting on it."
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."