Santa and Banta observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Santa: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked! " Banta: "Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! "
An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 321, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and...," when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers, "Oh My God" OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt... OMG!
Look both right and left for cars, motorcycles, animals and pedestrians; Look "up" for American drones; Look "down" for bombs and land mines; Look sideways and backwards for kidnappers and suicide bombers; Hold your bags tight and watch for every person near you; Then walk zigzag to avoid bullets.
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "Son of a..." The man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"