Santa and Banta, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Banta throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no," he gasps," Preeto will kill me!!"
"Don't worry, pal," Santa replies. "Just tuck fifty bucks in your breast pocket and tell Preeto that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay another couple hours getting steadily drunker. Eventually Banta rolls home.
Santa leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. The officer walked up to the driver's side window holding a Breathalyzer and said, "Good evening sir. We're testing for drunk driving. Would you please blow into this machine?" Santa replied, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow in that machine, I will get out of air." "In that case, I'm going to have to ask you to come back to the station
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another. The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?" "Four." "How long have you been smoking?" "Thirty years." "That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building." The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?" "Never." "Do you own this building?" "No." "Well, I do."
Banta had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.
"Banta, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came upwith a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field.
The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids run off, made up their ownsign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: