A robust-looking gentleman ate a large meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some fine wine, and then he summoned the headwaiter.
Do you recall, he asked pleasantly, how a year ago, I ate just such a wonderful meal here and then, because I couldnt pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a beggar?
Im very sorry sir began the contrite headwaiter.
Oh, its quite all right. said the guest, but Im afraid Ill have to trouble you again
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Good Morning luv, how about us going for a walk together now?" "How dare you," yelped the woman, "what the hell do you think I am, some sort of cheap pickup?" "Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using our telephone?" he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said. "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."
I happened to be in Stockholm on a business trip last month and was dining in a restaurant. Before ordering my dinner I asked for a whisky. "Which is the best Swedish whisky?" I asked the waiter. "Sir are you from India?" he asked. "Yes." "Then you must try our very special brand Bofors, it gives you instant kickbacks."