Morris is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them...
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property."
Sarah replies, "Property? the idiot had a newspaper route."
So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? - Christina Aguilera
Whats Wal-Mart? Do they sell, like wall stuff? - Paris Hilton
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Israeli government holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says, "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States of America."
Everyone starts shouting at once, "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over."
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "And what if we win?"
Banta saw an exhausted Santa running up to him. "What happened to you Santa?" "There was this nasty big bull in my street that nearly killed me today." "Oh really, what happened?" "I was just walking quietly wearing this red shirt, when the animal came charging at me like a locomotive! He almost got me!" "So, how'd you get away?" "Well the bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me a chance to make it to the fence and jump over." "That"s scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit all over the place." "Oye! I DID! What do you think the bull was slipping on ?"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be damned." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or