Father, "When you go back to your Mom tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face." Daughter, "OK" Later that night Daughter, "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face." Mother, "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."
A census taker in a rural Indian village went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Lets see now, there's the twins, Ballu and Lallu, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seeta and Geeta, they're sixteen. And the twins, Ram and Shyam, they're fourteen."
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get anything!"
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. Not able to handle being alone, she decides to kill herself and join him in death. She starts to think about quick and easy ways, and remembers abouther husband's old Army pistol. With that thought, she decides to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden on one of her children, she decides to call her doctor's and inquire as to just exactly where the heart could be found on a woman. Her doctor advises her that it could be found just below her left breast. Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gun shot wound to her knee.
A guy was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job.
A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian.
He applied for the job and the personnel man asked him, "And what church do you belong to?"
"I am a Catholic," said the guy. "And all my family are Catholics. In fact, my father is a priest and my mother is a nun, Sir."
Santa's son and two of his friends were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said, "My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can bowl a 90-kmph fast ball and run and catch it just after it crosses the wickets at striker's end!" One of the other boys said, "Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot a bullet from his gun and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the bullrt hits the bulls eye!" Santa's son said, "Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 5:00 he gets home at 4:00!"
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, 'I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?' Mom smiled and then replied.....'Oh, I remember....'