A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
One said, "You know, all summer I have been having trouble with bats in the belfry. Ive tried everything to get rid of them - noise, spray, cats but nothing works.
"Me too," said the second. "Ive got hundreds living there too. I even had the place fumigated, but still they stay."
Thats simple, said the third, "I baptised all mine made them members of the church Havent had a single one back since!"
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together
One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.
On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious...!
"We can't worship today. You do NOT yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe!"
"Believe???" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas???"
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank