On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.
Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, purse a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference.
The guy downs the Scotch and says, "This Scotch is only ten years ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath they bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long the trip is between Limerick and Cork. About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork and Limerick?" The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about two hours. Why'd you think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year, but it's a long time between New Year and Christmas !"
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise.
He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"
A meat counter clerk, who was drunk and had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. "That will be $6.35," he told the customer. "That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger" Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said faintly, "will be $6.65." The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. "I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!"
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry." Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him, "What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied. And pizza said, "Great, I'll go check it out!"