A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job...
He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.
He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife," second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job."
He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says, "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved."
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he took her long. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies, then threw his down in one gulp. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"
A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?" The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..."
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn't like it!"
So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?"
The man said, "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn't like it!"
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn't like it."
"As a matter of fact I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!"