Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother- in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.
When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired what the three pinned emblem on the front is for.
The driver replied, "Why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".
"Ah I see", said the man.
With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away and hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at the passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss there for a minute!"
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."
So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy
President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine which can see 50 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 50 years' time?"
The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out: "The country is in good hands under the new president, Jose Fernandez.... crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, and the economy
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he said.