"I'm ashamed of the way we live," wife said to her lazy husband, our Santa, who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent, my mother buys all of our food, my sister buys our clothes, my aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." Santa rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a thing!"
Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a long funeral procession going past on a nearby street.
Reverently, George removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth.
Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George, "Say, that was a nice gesture you made today, George."
"What do you mean?" asked George.
"Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied.
"Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you know."
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me,"
The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a Rs 10,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. . Many people like weightlifters, wrestlers, body builders, etc had tried over time, but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, "How did the human race begin?"
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little x where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.