A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest, to whom she said, "Excuse me, Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course! What can I do for you?"
"Here's the problem... I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests
The collector asked Banta for his rail ticket. Banta searched his pockets but could not find it. Never mind, reassured the collector, I will take your word that you bought your ticket. That is very kind of you, replied Banta, but if I don't find it, I want to know where to get off.
A woman in an diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled, "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
"I didn't know you could make tea," said mum taking a sip.
"Yes, I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find the strainer, so I used the fly swatter."
"What!" exclaimed mum, choking on her tea.
"Oh, don't worry. I didn't use the new fly swatter. I used the old one."