Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You cant do this. Im a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Santa and Banta were discussing how they would like to die. Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I dont want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time." Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?" Santa replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."
An interoffice volleyball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of a company. In 2002, the support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. But the marketing department showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2002 volleyball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.
The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'
A man gets on a plane with his dog. "You can't bring a dog on this plane", says the stewardess! "But this dog is special," says the passenger, "he's a sniffer dog." "Prove it", says the stewardess. The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane. After a minute, the dog reappears, jumps on his lap, and licks his left cheek. "What's that mean?" says the stewardess. "It means there's drugs on board." says the man. "What else can