A man who stuttered was asked why he did so. "It's my p-p-p-p-peculiarity," he answered. "Everybody has s-s-s-some p-p-p-p-peculiarity." "I don't have any," said the questioner.
"Don't y-y-y-you s-s-stir your c-c-c-coffee with your r-r-r-right hand?"
"Yes, of course."
"Th-that's your p-p-p-p-peculiarity. Most p-p-p-people use a s-s-s-poon !"
Once our Santa ended up getting drunk at this place called the Golden Cafe. Well, he comes home and tells his wife, Jeeto, 'You wouldn't believe it there! The floor is gold, the ceiling's gold, the chandelier is gold, even the urinals are gold!' Jeeto can't believe this so she calls the place up and asked to speak with the manager. She said, 'Is it true that your floor is gold?' The guy says, 'Yes.' The wife continues down the list. 'Is it true that even your urinals are gold?' The manager turns around to another guy and says, 'Hey, I think we found the guy who messed up your saxophone last night.'
When was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead."
Once Santa is traveling by train. On his way, he feels the urge to go to the bathroom. So he goes and opens the bathroom door, which happens to have a mirror in the front. The Santa thinks there is someone in there, quickly shuts the door and returns to his seat. 5 minutes later he goes again, only to find the same person there. An hour passes away, he has made 20 trips to the bathroom, only to find that the same person is still there. So he finally gets ticked off