A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first act intermission, he had to urinate in the worst way. He hurried to the back of the theatre and searched in vain for the men's room. At last he came upon a fountain surrounded by pretty foliage. He realized that he had wandered backstage. Noting that no one was around, and in desperatation, he opened his pants and pissed into the fountain. He had difficulty finding his way back to the auditorium, and by the time he sat down next to his wife, the curtain was up and the actors were moving about on the stage. "Did I miss much of he second act?" he whispered. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it."
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?" The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage." St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here." Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him,
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr Smith, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Smith, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters,' I didn't say they were MY sisters!"