St Peter was manning the pearly gates when 40 New Yorkers showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door before, St Peter thought he had better consult God. So he left the group at the gates and went off to find God.
"I've got 42 people from New York," said St Peter. "Is it safe to let them in?"
"New York, huh?" mused God. "We certainly don't want heaven overrun with New Yorkers. Why don't you just admit the ten most virtuous?"
St Peter went back to relay the news but a few minutes later returned to God in a state of anxiety.
A new farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a poultry operation.
Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't say anything. The same thing happens when the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.
When he returns for the fourth time, the owner's curiosity is too much for him, so he asks
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
A couple of redneck hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing. His eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his mobile phone and called the emergency services.
He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice, said, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There was silence, then a gun shot. The guy's voice came back on the line.
Santa and Banta had this mule that was a very hard worker. The only problem was every time they went to put the mule back in his stall, his ears would brush the top of the entrance and then the old mule would go nuts and kick everything. One day, the Santa and Banta decided to cut a opening in the top to prevent this from happening.While they were working, a neighbor stopped by and asked what they were doing,so they explained the problem. The neighbor suggested that they could save a lot of work and time if they simply took a shovel and dug the entrance down a little bit.They thanked their neighbor and he drove off. Then Santa said to Banta, "Some stupid neighbor we have, it's not his feet that's too long, it's his ears!"
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."