A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded. "Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly. The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?" And the witness said meekly, "My sister did."
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.
"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Here is an update on all that health stuff we keep hearing about!!!!!! Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Officer: What is your Name ? Candidate: MP Sir. Officer: Tell me properly. Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir. Officer: Your father's name ? Candidate: MP sir Officer: What does that mean ? Candidate: Manmohan Pal sir. Officer: Your native place. Candidate: MP Sir. Officer: Is it Madhya Pradesh ? Candidate: No, Munnur Pal sir. Officer: What is your qualification? Candidate: MP Sir. Officer: (Angrily) What is it ? Candidate: Matric Pass. Officer: Why do you need a job ? Candidate: MP sir. Officer: And what does that mean ? Candidate: Money Problem sir. Officer: Describe your personality. Candidate: MP Sir. Officer: Explain yourself clearly. Candidate: Mind-blowing Personality Sir. Officer: This discussion is nowhere, you may go now. Candidate: MP Sir. Officer: What is it now? Candidate: My performance....? Officer: MP !!! Candidate: What is that sir..? Officer: Mentally Punctured. Candidate: MP Sir...(my pleasure)