"Welcome to Heaven," St. Peter says to the newly arrived politician. "Before you settle in, you must spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risqu picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily clad young woman. Mom, what s this?" I asked. "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," she answered. "Is it working?" I asked. "Yes and no," she explained. "I ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled.
She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied.
"Well, did God make me?' she asked.
"Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered.
She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
There were these two not so bright guys, Santa and Banta, who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car so they decided to buy a camel. The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left. They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. Santa says, "I have a idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker].
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 pm.