A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF' but before she could say... 'F * ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
A lawyer was questioning the testimony of a witness to a shooting.
"Did you see the shot fired?"
"No, sir, I only heard it."
"Stand down" said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."
The witness turned around in the box to leave, and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loudly and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the witness back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh at the court.
"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked the witness.
"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.
"That evidence is not satisfactory, Your Honor, said the witness respectfully.
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect. As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?"